Somedays, you just got to call it like you see it.
If you trust me to filter things for you, then please do not ever go to the Cleveland Park Men's Club Blog. I know that there is some inane crap in the blogiverse, but some shit just makes me queasy. In case you took my advice, here are some highlights (really, these are more like supporting points, rather than highlights, but the English language does not always contain the best conceptual phrases).
First of all, they have given themselves nicknames, like "The Mayor," "The Senator," "The Dean," "The Producer"... Shit, I wish I was so important that I could invent my own nickname that was prefaced with an article. Does The Fletch roll off the tongue?
Then they get rolling with the "good" stuff.
This "guidance" includes such important things as "DO: Re-rack your weights," "DON’T: Get in front of the mirror while someone is doing a set," "DON’T: Wear flip-flops," and "DO: Buy a cool pair of lightweight shoeneakers." Shoeneakers? WTF? I had to search on google, and I still don't know what they are talking about. Perhaps they meant sneakers? Perhaps they meant an athletic looking slide of some sort to fit in with their uber-masculine ways? Your guess is as good as mine. As for the gym advice, sweet man. As I type this, I am flexing in the mirror and kissing my guns. How do I do this, you may ask yourself? Well, that is why we all need a man-servant to do our bidding. What CPMC, you don't have a man servant?
One last piece to make you coming back for more
That's right, and now you live in Cleveland Park. Looks like not everything is genetic. Oh yeah, and you left out hump goats, stone heretics, and master the use of fire. Good job college boy.
First of all, they have given themselves nicknames, like "The Mayor," "The Senator," "The Dean," "The Producer"... Shit, I wish I was so important that I could invent my own nickname that was prefaced with an article. Does The Fletch roll off the tongue?
Then they get rolling with the "good" stuff.
Capo’s decided that men in this city could use a bit of guidance, on matters of
male protocol and such. Too many goofballs are running around that have
forgotten, or worse, never even learned about the old school code of respect.
This "guidance" includes such important things as "DO: Re-rack your weights," "DON’T: Get in front of the mirror while someone is doing a set," "DON’T: Wear flip-flops," and "DO: Buy a cool pair of lightweight shoeneakers." Shoeneakers? WTF? I had to search on google, and I still don't know what they are talking about. Perhaps they meant sneakers? Perhaps they meant an athletic looking slide of some sort to fit in with their uber-masculine ways? Your guess is as good as mine. As for the gym advice, sweet man. As I type this, I am flexing in the mirror and kissing my guns. How do I do this, you may ask yourself? Well, that is why we all need a man-servant to do our bidding. What CPMC, you don't have a man servant?
One last piece to make you coming back for more
Seems like I wrote a little something that was a bit too heavy for the
folks in DC. Just for the record, I'm the serious one around here. Maybe it's
because my daddy taught me how to put a bullet in a deer right underneath the
shoulder blades at 250 yards out, fight a nurse shark until the blisters on your
hands start to break open, set the timing on a blown Chevy 454, and wire a house
from the ground up. Or maybe it's because my grandpop worked 50 years in a meat
locker to feed six kids, and cracked skulls on the side to makes ends meet.
Could just be the four years I spent running a chainsaw crew full of guys that
didn't make it past the seventh grade. Guys that could put the average college
punk right in his place with a simple "Shut your mouth, yah little bitch pussy,
before I come over there and skull-fuck yah pretty-boy ass."
That's right, and now you live in Cleveland Park. Looks like not everything is genetic. Oh yeah, and you left out hump goats, stone heretics, and master the use of fire. Good job college boy.
posted by Fletch at
1:08 PM
25 Comments:
it's too late, I've already been there! Cleveland Park women responded with their own blog, but I forget the address. Only thing I'd add is that they're so right - I HATE when people stand right in front of the mirror while I'm doing a set. And though I haven't done my internet research, I assume that those shoeneakers look a little something like your Roos...
By
Lauren, at 1:40 PM
But then, why wouldn't they just call them sneakers? Unless they just enjoy making up words for us, less manly-men, to ponder their deeper meaning. My guess is that real men don't wear sneakers. They only wear oxfords or boat shoes. Or shoeneakers.
By
Fletch, at 2:34 PM
I couldn't help but wonder if that last quote might have been penned by our own Pete Skrief. He has been known to bust skulls, battle fires and five bucks says he owns a pair of shoeneakers for when the weather's too warm for his man-uggs.
By
Sarah, at 3:11 PM
It does bear some similarity, but I think that even Pete would be ashamed to inhabit Cleveland Park. That, and his family doesn't seem like the skull-fucking type.
By
Fletch, at 8:18 AM
Fletch, you are right. That blog is complete bulstrode. shoeneakers goes with Mary J. blige's "Dancery" in the catagory of "made-up words we already have perfectly good real words to describe." Now "hateration" is a whole different matter as that describes a concept that cannot be accurately explained without the coingae.
love,
the dude
By
8yearoldsdude, at 9:48 AM
Your name is Fletch? Did you make that up, or did your Mom call you that? If so, she just ruined the movie.
That makes me queasy.
And, you pissed Capo off. Shouldn't have done that.
By
The Senator, at 9:57 AM
Before I light the blowtorch, just know that I took the time to read your profile. I also took care to make sure my grammar is pristine.
Dossier on Fletch
# Age: 24
# Gender: male
# Astrological Sign: Aries
# Born in the Year of the: Rooster
# Industry: Museums / Libraries
# Occupation: Preservationist
Only an emo asshat cares about his astrological sign and the animal year he was born in. Interestingly enough, people born under the Aries like to engage in "borderline violent" group sex. The fact that you were born in the year of the Rooster gives greater weight to your tendencies and provides the additional preference for all-male group sex.
To counter these psychological disturbances, you feel an "intellectual mission" for social justice. This "Justice" usually appears as a manufactured and asinine rage toward allegedly "mindless" stereotypical men. You mock them with slurs such as "jock" or "musclehead" even though you have no evidence to correlate your slurs with any actual stupidity.
This is because the slurs are not about them. They are about you.
The intellectual mission goes further because you have successfully lied to yourself about your true feelings. The outrage against groups celebrating what is essentially humanity is actually a tool that you will use to "impress" women. As women are hard-wired to be more concerned with how a man can provide for them instead of abstract concepts of "the other," you will continually hit proverbial brick walls.
Like Hemingway, you will have to continually seek out "poonany" to avoid the truth. Unlike Hemingway, you will not find any poonany. Maybe a woman or two with severe self-esteem problems will share herself with you but the overwhelming majority will see right through your real issues.
Instead of writing about such weighty matters, I could have just said that you are "an idiot preservationist--whatever the hell that is. Probably a fag.", but I wanted you to suffer through the text.
Enjoy.
By
Anonymous, at 11:28 AM
Oh snap, the beef-cakes found me! Apparently, I ruined the movie Fletch for "The Senator." Shit man, I'm sorry, but you should really check out Chevy Chase's masterpiece Caddyshack, or even Spies Like Us.
And Rolling Inferno, let me say thank you for reading my profile! It makes me very happy that you can read. Unfortunately, while you rage against me for mocking the Cleveland Park Men's Club with such devestatingly hurtful slurs as "jock" and "musclehead," if you look closely (now don't bump your head on the screen!), you may notice that I never used those words. Perhaps you are mistaking my criticisms of the misogynistic and useless content with someone elses? Or maybe this is a generic post that you tailored to fit my profile?
I have to say that you seem to be a little defensive, perhaps you feel these hateful things towards yourself, and as a mechinism of self-defense, you impose this sense of disgust outwardly on what you believe to be others impressions of who you are? But I don't know, perhaps you are a psychiatrist, and you have already analyzed yourself and know all of these things? It is so hard to tell because you remain a mystery wrapped in an enigma since you do not have a profile to share. Sometimes its hard being a 14 year old girl with no friends.
As for my being an "emo asshat" (see the proper use of a quote!), first, please stop reading Craig's List so much. It is impacting your vocabulary in a negative fashion. Second, you seem to care an awful lot about astrological signs and the Chinese calendar. I guess that makes you an emo asshat too! Do you want to meet up before the Brighteyes show? We can revel in our asshattery together!
Thanks for reading my blog, I feel like I have really met my soulmate, albeit a more spiteful and bigoted soulmate. Before you go, I did want to point out that I am really proud of your grammar. You worked so hard! Unfortunately, you missed one thing. It is not so much a grammatical error, as it is a linguistic flaw. See, you chose your "internet name" to be "Rolling Inferno." Now, it took me a second to realize what bothered me about your tag. Look at it yourself and see if you notice it. No?
Let's start here, an "inferno" is a place suggestive of the fiery pits of hell. Whether hell is in fact fiery or not is a long conversation that we can debate at another time when we discuss the emergence of Western Christian symbolism in the post-Roman Empire. However, the fact remains that an inferno is a place. The descriptive gerund "Rolling" is suggestive of unfinished movement. As far as I can tell, your tag suggests that you are a place that moves around. However, if you did in fact move around, you would then be in _another_ place.
Here, I think that you are struggling with the concept of place. "Place" implies a location that is fixed in space. It is always there, whether you are or not. Hence, if an inferno is a place which is imbued with some descriptive quality, in this case as being hellish, it is fixed in space. It then has great trouble rolling since it is immovable. (If you infact are, say, describing a location on Earth, and you are on Venus, then perhaps you could describe the inferno as rolling, as the Earth makes its yearly progression around the sun. But I sense that you mean "inferno" in a more metaphorical sense, and it can be very difficult to be outside of a metaphor that you feel embraces your life)
To give one last thought to the conundrum that you must face on a daily basis, I would say that you may want to consider switching your screen name to "Roaring Inferno." I think that is what you meant in the first place, and it will help lessen any future confusion.
By
Fletch, at 8:46 AM
You really should learn how to summarize. Lost your point in your rambling...
But, yes, Caddy Shack is an all-time favorite. I own it.
By
The Senator, at 9:02 AM
I think this may lead to the first blog-related rumble in history. If it is going down, will you let me know ahead of time so I can attend? Will you dance, snap your fingers, and knife-fight? Luckily I don't live within a thousand miles of all this silliness. To both parties I offer the advice that I routinely tell my 5th grade students, "Let it go."
By
8yearoldsdude, at 10:10 AM
Oooh, The Senator (Who lists some of his favorite books/movies as "The Life of Pi" and "Ocean's Eleven"-- watch it Fletch, this guy will intellectualize circles around you and your year of the cock) totally shut you down. Yeah, learn to summarize. Don't take up all that space on YOUR blog with YOUR thoughts. Have a little class and be a man. You can start by defining masculinity according to Fight Club and Tom Cruise's character in Magnolia. Jesus.
By
Anonymous, at 10:44 AM
Serli, that was kinda surly.
By
The Senator, at 11:03 AM
This man is quick. He can read phoenetically and spell.
On a serious note, I think its all well and good if you want to promote your views on masculinity. Hell, crap like that (and this) is what blogs were invented for. Just because I, and seemingly many other denizens of the internet, feel that your take may be a bit too inclusive, and possibly misogynistic, doesn't mean that you are wrong, simply that we disagree on the basics of what defines masculinity.
My guess is that despite our best efforts, neither of us lives up to our vision of masculinity that we have created. Not to be picky, but you seem to be in the consulting business. Probably a solid, well-paying job. Not exactly a cowboy. Or a fireman. Or any traditional masculine field. The switch from a production-oriented economy to service-oriented really makes it difficult for men to express themselves in "manly" ways. If you find your blog to be a healthy outlet, good for you. I would argue that a blog itself is an inherently anti-masculine endeavor, but to each his or her own.
Back to the witty repartee!
Here is a question to ponder: is the exclamation point also inherently anti-masculine? Is it because real men should never be excited? Does this bias against excitement stem from the fact that a man is always in complete control of his life, and hence if he is excited he is exhibiting weakness?
By
Fletch, at 11:19 AM
"Maybe it's because my daddy taught me how to put a bullet in a deer right underneath the shoulder blades at 250 yards out, fight a nurse shark until the blisters on your hands start to break open, set the timing on a blown Chevy 454, and wire a house from the ground up. Or maybe it's because my grandpop worked 50 years in a meat locker to feed six kids, and cracked skulls on the side to akes ends meet. Could just be the four years I spent running a chainsaw crew full of guys that didn't make it past the seventh grade.
I don't know what it is, but I do know this: I'm not going a dime beyond six bucks for these scented candles at Wake Up Little Susie. If I have to render my own fat and infuse it with chamomile, so be it. I am just that heavy."
--Capo Nellie McKay
CPMC
By
The Deceiver, at 11:51 AM
Yeah, never heard that the exclamation point was anti-manly. That is just weird to assume it is.
FYI: mi·sog·y·ny (m-sj-n) n. = Hatred of women.
We don't hate women. We just don't need them (neither should any of us, by the way). We just love them. What is so misogynistic about that?
But, Fletch, I have to admit...I do respect you fighting back. Well done, I say. And, like men, we can bark, fight, and go have a beer.
You definitely are caffeinated. Not DCafe.
By
The Senator, at 12:13 PM
As the gf I feel like I should chime in. But really I don't have anything much to add. Except that I made Fletcher go into Wake Up Little Suzie with me once. And I still want to know about those shoeneakers.
(Fletch, I guess now's not a good time to bring up those ice skating classes your mom made you take huh?)
By
Lauren, at 2:42 PM
No, but you can tell them about how you got your UTI.
By
Fletch, at 2:47 PM
I didn't pee after sex. So it goes. What's better is that it resulted in a kidney infection, an extension on all my finals, and a bottle of steroids. Sweet.
By
Lauren, at 2:52 PM
I enjoyed your response, Fletch. Since I don't know you, I hope you took the post as inflammatory nonsense and nothing more. The inferno argument was a bit of a stretch but I admire you trying to find _something_ logically questionable about the response.
Personally, I thought your post was funny as I don't take any of this stuff seriously. I am not a member of the CPMC. I find it a bit too... difficult to tolerate. However, Capo is a good friend and asked me to light the place on fire after you torched his work. So I did.
Doing WWE-style trash talking is the only way to make blogs interesting for everybody. If you want, I'll periodically stop in and insult you to drive up traffic. Otherwise, just take it easy.
Final note: I don't read Craig's List but I do read Fark. There's your explanation for using the word "asshat."
Peace.
By
Anonymous, at 3:08 PM
Mr. Inferno-
No fears, you may have kicked off one of the more interesting blog-days in a while. Although doing your friend's dirty work? What, is he too busy with his job?
Seriously, come back anytime as long as the flames are entertaining and well considered.
By
Fletch, at 4:02 PM
look at all the love. It's like...so...gay!
By
Lauren, at 4:19 PM
I hear you on the hitman implication.
Having me behind the keyboard was actually a safer course of action for everybody involved. You'll have to trust me on that.
When people get really upset by my articles, I think it's awesome. Engaging readers is the other half of modern writing.
In my humble opinion, it's half the fun. Writing on the internet demands that you have the ability to engage everyone from the fans to the freaks, especially if you plan on pissin' on everybody's parade.
Don't know what to say except things happen when they are supposed to happen. Stop by Cyberista sometime.
By
Anonymous, at 4:23 PM
Lauren,
I understand your perception but, after experiencing the Cleveland Park Men's Club, your definition of "gay" will change dramatically.
By
Anonymous, at 4:36 PM
Reading CPMC will make you question evolution. However, if you remember that the theory allows for "residual" species, faith is restored again.
By
Anonymous, at 3:04 PM
CAPO MAD!
GRRRRRRRR!
By
The Governess, at 2:02 PM
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